Friday, January 6, 2017

Heart of Darkness

Heart of Darkness. The coffee, not the book. I love it. It is described as a “Dark french roast, full body, earthy-tangy.” I am not so hip as to like light roasts. In fact, I think they’re, for the main part, gross. But I love Heart of Darkness. And I love the name. And I find it all too fitting that I do.

I see my own heart as quite dark, shriveled and grinch-like. My heart is one of darkness. I am not one to overflow with positivity or cheer. I don’t smile enough. At work, my register performance is what requires improvement. I don’t “engage.”

We just had family in town for about two weeks. A long time. I got next to nothing done. I love my family. My niece and nephew, tantrums taken into account, are delightful. We tease each other, quote Robin Hood and Peter Pan, and laugh—a lot.

Perhaps my heart isn’t so dark, then, if I can love my family in all its dysfunction. Perhaps its darkness is in how it perceives the body which houses it and the mind with which it works. It is a dark lens, too, through which my heart views itself.

I dislike people. I want them to go away. I wish they talked less. I dislike it when they have an affinity for me, because I can’t comprehend why. When I am depressed I wish they would let me die, instead of dragging me through thorns, drowning me in encouragement I don’t hear, and insisting that I speak. And I dislike myself for simultaneously liking and respecting them and hating them. They make me live, which I resent, but I respect them too much to take action otherwise.

My heart is fragmented, then. Dark, but in pieces between which a little light shines in allowing me to try to love the people who somehow do manage to alleviate my pain.

“Of Darkness.” Coming from darkness. Perhaps it is true. My heart is of darkness. But, dare I say it—God help me, it isn’t where it is headed. My heart may never be a light roast like Zoom Brew—and that’s okay with me—but perhaps it’ll see a medium state, like Beethoven’s Blend, dark and medium and light all mixed together, leveling itself out with it’s depressions, stability, and hypomania. 

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